Three Poems by Emilia Phillips
FACESOFDEATH.COM
On my grandmother’s PC monitor
the size of a Butterball
turkey with its dial-up modem like Casio
keyboard trumpets cut with a razor
on glass, my cousin, a half
year older
than me, pulled up the website, slow
to boot—first the black
background and the gallery
outline of thumbnails
and red links to categorize Causes: Car
Crashes, Gunshot, Suicide, some
duplicated across tallies. The logo,
last to arrive: a pixelated
shock font. Blood dripping or as if slashed
into skin—I can’t
remember. We kept something
else open in case someone
else walked in, cartoons on in the living
room and our parents with second
or third helpings. I saw the faces,
hollow eyes wide, and I looked
for blood, and I looked away
from blood, and I looked at my cousin
to realize then that he would die
and that anyone could—
First cousin, first friend,
first person I lost touch with, now
just a photo in my Facebook
newsfeed: camo and a rifle,
a shotgun, a .44 with a
silencer.
Buckshot, BB, some high caliber
slug. The voicemail
from my stepmother: Your father’s
been shot. Not how. Not alive
or dead. I called again and again
until someone, anyone
picked up. An accident—he did it
to himself, and the tourniquet.
His tongue slugged by morphine, he said
on the phone, I don’t want this
to deter you from owning
a gun. He said, I’ll buy you
one. I said no. I said, No. I said,
I have my grandfather’s service
sidearm just to button up
the issue. I admit I wondered
what it would be like to hold
the barrel between my teeth
back when I was looking down the barrel
of days of grief,
but statistically women don’t shoot
themselves. I remember one
victim—was it suicide or murder?
Does it matter?—how the bullet
grooved clean into the skin below
her clavicle. A buttonhole, a baby’s
mouth. No. A window, a rose,
the space into which someone goes.
FINGERS IN A THROAT
Because
lack feeds
on lack
the body turns
out
what is not
yet body
or shit.
You
were excused
from chorus to wet
your mouth
at the water
fountain, but not
just for
song
but heave, your
belly
has grown
taut. When
someone else
comes in
the girls’
room, you
hold
the retched-up
in your mouth
until it sours
your nose.
You’ve learned
to keep
saline
spray
and spearmint
toothpaste
and the cheap
Curve
perfume in your
purse.
You know every
girl by her
ankle,
that crescent
shadow
under bone, their
shoe-
laces,
the way
their weight
molds the uniform
shoe. You know
how long
and if they pause
at the mirror, more
slender
in how
they are
rendered
by the frosted
glass, each dark
anonymous,
lashed across
the floor
to the stall
door.
TO THE PREVIOUS TENANT
On the overhead
beams in the basement
I found the hypodermics
stolen from your diabetic
mother—or that’s the story
I’ve offered—
and, behind the loose brick
on the wall behind the well, the pipe
rigged
from an Advil bottle
punctured and fitted
with a ballpoint pen’s halved
shell, a crude carb hatched
in, the top limned
in aluminum foil. The papers
stuffed on the spare bedroom
closet’s shelf tell of lost
custody and back child
support. Unemployment, and delinquent court
appearances. I’ve kept
a pile of your summons
and collection notes
in a box by the front door,
as if you might return
for something you left—
a hidden stash, a home, an idea
of self. But I should warn you
the police have stopped by
twice now, and I told them
I don’t know you,
but I’m not so sure
anymore. Sometimes
when I’m pushing
my cart through the Giant
past the gentle
mist on parsley and the thunder
sound
on a crackly speaker, I wonder
if I’d recognize you
if we met in the bread aisle
or at the automatic sliding door.
I’ve given you
a hair color
and style, a ball cap frayed
at the bill, but I don’t know
your eyes—
you squint so much
in my imagination of you.
But I do too, at the mirror—
the right cheek slack and hatched
in scar. The detective said you renewed
your driver’s license
with my address. So I take the dog out
to the old chicken coop to sniff,
and think, if he takes to a smell,
we’ve got you.
But he just hikes
and whizzes, the snow steaming
where it hits. I leave
a light on
for you most nights, but I don’t know if I would
meet you
with warning
shots from the inherited pistol,
or a bowl of leftovers. Some nights,
you’re as distant as
before, but others, as I do
the dishes alone—
I find a space
for you
at the tree line, in the long-gone
where you’re hiding. There
you are, I say. There
you are, right there. As close
as you’ll ever get, as far
away.
...
Emilia Phillips is the author of two poetry collections from the University of Akron Press,Groundspeed (2016) and Signaletics (2013), and three chapbooks. Her poems and lyric essays appear in Agni, Boston Review, Gulf Coast, The Kenyon Review, New England Review, Ninth Letter, Poetry, Ploughshares, StoryQuarterly, and elsewhere. She is the Assistant Professor of Creative Writing at Centenary College of New Jersey.